Sunday, January 04, 2009

My, you've lost weight

In 2008 I lost about 16% of my body weight. The changes to my body have been noticeable but what has impressed me more has been how other people have responded  to the changes in my body.
I have a standing weekly appointment to exercise in order to maintain my ability to walk and do other basic ‘activities of daily living.’ For a time. when I arrived I’d be told how good I looked because of how much weight I was losing. This scared me. Yes, I was exercising but I’ve been doing this with these same people for 2 years so the weight loss was a definite change not due to the exercise. No one bothered to ask me what was up.
I almost stopped exercising due to the constant focus on the size of my middle while I was busy trying not to throw up. I felt objectified and noticed only for the size and shape of my body.
I doubt I really looked good. People who saw me from the neck up, seated, or for the first time would comment on how poor my color was or how I wasn’t behaving normally.
Whenever I would express concern about my weight loss I felt brushed off. I was not trying to lose weight. No matter how fat I am or was initially, losing weight without knowing why is a real cause for concern. In my case, I was eventually diagnosed with gallstones that were causing chronic nausea and abdominal pain. You see, I was probably losing so much weight because I was too sick to eat and to process what I could eat. This lead to malnutrition.
The results of the weight loss may have been good for me but this has been expensive. I am not someone who can easily afford new clothing and I don’t own a sewing machine. Luckily, a kind relative donated clothing to me. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself prideful but I do care a little bit about how I look and know enough to be aware that wearing clothing that is 6 sizes too big is not only potentially embarrassing but isn’t going to help my image problems one little bit.

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